Throughout my travels, I have met and been uninspired by countless mediocre people. These people are everywhere yet often go unnoticed. Anywhere they tread, they inspire indifference. In their wake, no reaction can be found.
What is their secret? How do mediocre people attain so little notoriety? Better yet, how can someone live up to expectations while rarely surpassing them? How can you, I, or anyone else be fabdrabulously mediocre too?
Today, the secret is revealed.
By sticking to this easy-to-follow advice, anyone can be mediocre.
1) Be obsessed with what other people think.
Spend most of your time thinking about what others are thinking. Carry this to the extreme, and never truly understand yourself.
Your personality should be as deep as a puddle. Like a puddle, it should be a murky reflection of the world around you.
2) Work all the time and focus on making money in order to purchase things.
Things are the quickest route to impress the people around you. Impressing the people around you should be one of your most pressing concerns.
3) Adapt yourself to whatever social situation you are in.
In order to be mediocre, be pliable. For example, some days you may need to wear a Rolex in order to impress people. In other situations, a Rolex will only deliver scorn from your more hip cohorts. Be ultra-aware of who you will be surrounding yourself with and plan accordingly ahead of time. Be sure to have various styles of clothes readily accessible. This way, you can always look the part of the people you are trying to impress.
4) Develop an attitude of ostentatious pride in order to compensate for the meaninglessness of your life.
This pride can be about anything. A favorite sports team or provincialism will be enough for most mediocre people. Even though your own life is meaningless beyond a small circle of family and friends, having pride in something like a sports team or the place where you were born will give you a sense personal significance.
In some cases, you will need to be a complete douchebag. If your mediocrity is grand enough, it will need to be enveloped by an overriding sense of superiority regarding everything you do. Can your dick still get hard? You must be the greatest lover alive! Is that an overpriced snapback you are wearing? Too cool, bro! Dreadlocks? Fight the power, man! Take these unrealistic yet entirely superficial beliefs about yourself to the extreme.
5) Listen to advice from people who have no clue what they are talking about.
This is my favorite. Recently, I quit being a vegan because someone who couldn’t jog a mere kilometer told me that milk and cheese were actually healthy.
Whenever you are unsure about anything, find someone equally or less informed than yourself and believe whatever they say.
6) Never do anything alone.
Whenever I jog, I always prefer to go with someone else. This is not because I like to inspire other people to become healthy. Instead, it is a convenient excuse to run slower and for a shorter distance.
The same applies to going out. If a friend cancels a plan to go out, I let it ruin my entire evening. If I went out alone, people might judge me and it might be uncomfortable.
7) Never take initiative.
This is a big one. Take as little initiative as possible. Always wait for another person’s lead. Since you can’t be sure of the result, you never want to be the first to do anything.
8) Be flakey.
Follow through on as few commitments as possible, both those you make to other people and also those you make to yourself.
For example, tell yourself you are going to jog two kilometers, jog only one and walk the rest of the way. Don’t feel bad because….
9) Understand that it is always the intention that matters.
Even though you never follow through or accomplish anything, you should realize it is the thought that counts. Your mediocrity should be embossed with intentions of greatness. This alone will make you feel like a good person.
10) Adopt a personal philosophy which makes you feel less mediocre than you are.
In line with an understanding that intentions are all that matter, you should adopt a set of beliefs which further absolve you from any personal responsibility. The two most common are religion and social justice politics. Believe in spiritual forces like a god or don’t be an outward racist. Then, regardless of your further actions or inaction, you are automatically a good person. As an added bonus, you will know that you are superior anyone who doesn’t subscribe to your own set of beliefs.
11) Never take responsibility for anything that happens to you.
As long as you let other people dictate what you do, nothing bad that happens can ever be your fault. Any misfortune can conveniently be blamed on other people. You, one the other hand, were simply being amenable.
12) Before you do anything, find out what everyone around you thinks.
Want to go to a certain school? Switch careers? Travel to a certain place? Try a new diet? Hold on, buddy. Don’t be so rash.
Before you do anything, even something trivial, you must consult at least five or six people. These people will act as your own personal judiciary and will dictate whether or not you are allowed to engage in various activities.
13) Live in fear.
If you are afraid of something, make sure you never, ever, ever confront it. If this means never learning to swim, riding a motorcycle, traveling abroad, or even venturing out of your hometown, then so be it.
You should let fear dictate around 90% of the things you do.
14) Let your fear become bigotry.
In order to live most comfortably in mediocrity, let your fears be transformed into some sort of prejudice. This way, for example, even if you are a destitute Oxycontin addict, you will still think of yourself as inherently better and more upright than people who are different than you.
15) Know that nothing is worse than being judged by people who barely know you.
Fear other people’s judgment more than anything else.
You must let other people’s judgment prevent you from doing any number of things which might otherwise make you happy.
Be driven to cater to the opinions of people around you.
16) Judge everyone else in order to make yourself feel better.
Being mediocre can sometimes be unfulfilling. At certain times you may feel like you aren’t living up to your full potential. Bury this sentiment as deeply as possible by being extremely judgmental of everyone else. If you are spending an adequate amount of time judging the people around you (while ironically attempting to live up to their ideals), you won’t have time to notice any deficiencies in yourself. Mediocrity, after all, works best when you are completely oblivious too it.
17) Think of yourself as altruistic and ignore your own self-centered frame of mind.
Once you have sacrificed your own personality and desires for those around you, pretend that you are living out a moral virtue of altruism. You are, after all, constantly concerned with the opinions of others. You must ignore, however, that you are primarily concerned with others’ opinions of you.
18) Give up as soon as something becomes difficult.
When the going gets tough, quit.
When I go jogging, I stop at the first twinge of pain. This insures that I will always be a mediocre athlete.
19) Only do easy things.
Never do anything that requires sustained effort. Things like learning another language, staying in shape, or seriously pursuing any creative endeavor are off limits. Relax and leave those things to non-mediocre people.
20) Stay as comfortable as possible.
In order to be mediocre, avoid anything at all that is uncomfortable. Discomfort, as it so happens, is the enemy of mediocrity
21) Shut up and follow the rules.
If mediocre people do one thing really well, it is never going beyond the bounds of laws, rules, and social mores.
Often times, rules are created by successful people in order to keep everyone else in line. Other times, rules are championed by mediocre people as a means of enforcing a sense of community and commonality between them. Successful people, on the other hand, always break conventions.
By always adhering to prescribed guidelines, mediocrity will come naturally.
22) Never truly affect anyone; make sure you are affected by others.
The ultimate significance of a mediocre life is meaninglessness and having as little effect on others as possible. Great people (for better or worse) profoundly change the way other people perceive and interact with the world. You can never do that. You must always let others define and mediate your life.
If it seems like people are indifferent toward your presence, you are probably on track to being mediocre. If, however, people are reacting in some extreme way, you may be running the danger of going beyond mediocrity. Tread carefully and wear your impotence as a badge of honor.