Texting a girl you like isn’t rocket science. So many guys fuck it up because they think too much or too little.
Rather than offer a guide of ‘what to say,’ it’s more important to know ‘how’ to text a girl. Instead using lines, you need a method for holding a girl’s interest and attention.
Before we get into a blueprint for texting and direct messaging, there are a few crucial mindsets you need to have:
1) Women are rooting for you
Girls don’t get some perverse pleasure from turning you down or ignoring your texts. Instead, they are hoping you will come off as smooth, funny, and charismatic.
Women are not the obstacle and the goal. Consider them your teammate in the sport of having a fun conversation.
2) If you are not having fun texting her, she isn’t having fun either.
Before you send that text, check your emotional state. Are you feeling happy, positive, and excited about life? Awesome, text away. If not, you should change your state before you text.
3) Put yourself in her emotional shoes.
Empathy is the cornerstone of effective texting. You need to understand what she is feeling. More importantly, you need to accurately predict how your messages will make her feel. In fact, the whole model of effective texting is based on emotion.
4) Offer value
This should go without saying. If you aren’t bring value to the table, don’t expect her to feel good about interacting with you. You need to firmly believe that knowing and interacting with you will improve her life.
With that out of the way, the formula for texting a girl you like is as follows:
Excitement + Comfort and Connection + Logistical Progression = Meeting up
Without these three element, and without a proper proportion of each, your conversation will fall flat.
Excitement comes from emotional spikes, humor and teasing. Ideally, most of your messages should be light-hearted and only half serious. She should be surprised by your texts, or even at times slightly offended. Pauses and timing can help you deliver a text in a funny manner.
“Are you saying all white people look the same? So racist”
“Don’t embarrass me”
“You seem like girlfriend material.” “I have a friend named Jason. He hasn’t dated anyone in years. Maybe I can hook you two up.”
“I had a great time last night.” “After you left, I met this other girl. She was awesome.”
[If she is busy for a suggested meetup] “Ok, I guess I’ll eat alone and cry”
“Did you sleep well last night” “Or toss and turn because you were thinking of me”
If done correctly, she should find these texts funny and respond with a similar amount of teasing.
Another way to create humorous excitement is to assume she is chasing you and/or has a dirty mind. Reinterpret things she says in a mildly sexual manner while using innuendo. Instead of spelling out your intent, leave something to the imagination and allow for plausible deniability.
The next emotional element is comfort and connection.
In order to meet you, she needs to feel some degree of comfort and connection. You must do more than simply entertain her with funny banter.
If you have been sending back and forth humorous texts for a bit, she may interrupt the flow with a serious, somewhat logical question. Instead of keeping up the teasing, answer honestly. This is your cue to build a feeling of connection between you. Likewise, you may get the vibe that the humor has run it’s course. At this point you can ask her a more serious question about dry topics like family, occupation, her past, or dreams for the future.
A word of caution though, don’t dwell too long on these topics. The emotions they invoke are minimal. Instead, these dry comfort-building conversations are used to demonstrate that you are normal and safe, have the capacity to be serious, and can offer value beyond laughter and surprise. It also gives her the chance to display aspects of her personality which she finds important.
Every girl is different. Some girls need more excitement, some need more comfort and connection. All need both in order to see you in a romantic light.
The point of texting is to meet in person.
It’s best to segway with a soft close. A soft close is getting her to commit or express interest in the idea of meeting up, without setting specific conditions like a time and place:
“It’s a long story. I’ll tell you all about it sometime over a drink.”
“I know a great cafe in X neighborhood. I think you’d love it. It’s right by the river and has a great view”
“I can’t believe you’ve never tried __________. You are so sheltered.” “We have to ________ soon.”
If she says yes to the soft close, you can start hammering out the details. In every case, you want to make it easy for her to say yes. At the same time, set the meeting up in a way that is logistically favorable. Don’t spend hours at one place. Instead, have a plan for a second or third location to go to.
Likewise, you must assume she wants to say yes.
To recap, the ‘formula’ for texting a girl contains three elements in a correct proportion: excitement, comfort and connection, and logistical progression.
Especially in the beginning of the interaction, excitement is most important. However, without a feeling of connection, a girl will have a hard time taking you serious or won’t be comfortable meeting you. Likewise, without logistical progression, she will wonder what the point of the conversation is.
Most guys lean too far into the comfort direction. They don’t create enough excitement, and the whole conversation feels flat. Other guys press too hard too early into logistical progression, and it comes off as pushy and try hard.
Each girl is different. Some girls require 60% teasing, 30% comfort, and 10% anticipation for a meet up. For other girls, it’s best to use 45% teasing, 50% comfort, and 5% logistical progression, for example.
Here are a few other basic tips
Emojis are your friend. Your task in texting is stirring emotions. Emojis fill an emotional void created by purely text-based communication. While I almost never send a line of just emojis, I often end the sentence with one. (Don’t overuse this though)
In text (and life), you should avoid over-investing.
Typically, I can glance at a screenshot of a text conversation and tell who is investing more into the conversation.
If you are sending much longer texts than her, you are over-investing. Stop now.
If you are sending multiple texts in response to her one word answers, you are over-investing. Stop now.
Put the phone down, walk away, and wait for her to send something worth replying to. Nothing dries up a girl’s interest more than a guy who appears to lack other options (or at least other hobbies). Over-investing through text will quickly take you to the friend-zone.
+Less is More+
Before you send a text, re-read it and cut out any unnecessary words or phrases. Don’t just sent one-word answers. But don’t send long-winded sentences and paragraphs either.
+End The Conversation First+
By ending the conversation before she does, you are doing a couple different things.
First, you look busy. You are signalling that other things are more important than texting one girl. Second, and more importantly, you are preventing her on acting on any impulse to quit talking to you.
You appear of high value, keep momentum in leading the conversation, and prevent letting negative feelings like boredom come to the surface.
+++When She Doesn’t Reply+++
I hear this question way too often:
“I had a great date with this girl. The next day we texted back and forth a bit and everything seemed cool. But I texted her today and I still haven’t heard back from her. Does anyone know what I did wrong or how I can fix this?”
If a girl hasn’t replied to your text, here is what to do:
Step 1) Do something else. Meditate, work on a business project, go to the gym or go jogging, plan a trip, go to the movies with a friend. Do anything else, take some action that makes you forget about waiting for a text.
Step 2) If you haven’t heard from her within a week, feel free to send a value-offering text.
This value offering text should have three qualities. First, it shouldn’t be a question. Second, it shouldn’t remind her that she hasn’t texted you during this time. Lastly, it should be funny or create a pleasurable feeling for her (or conversely, be useful for her).
“Two Mormons just came to my house. Before they left I asked them to take out the trash for me. It totally worked :’)”
“I just got back from the zoo. They had the cutest monkeys. One of them looked just like you.”
“Aliens have invaded Earth and are abducting all the [smart/sexy] people. You’ll be ok, but I wanted to say goodbye one last time.”
Step 3) If she still hasn’t replied, you can wait a week and call. Since calling will be unexpected, she will be more likely to respond. From there you can banter back and forth a bit, check how she’s been, and set up a meeting. Before you call, make sure you are in a good mood, comfortable, and smiling.
In order to text or direct message girls successfully, focus on the emotions you are creating. Specifically, create a proper ratio of excitement, connection, and build-up for a meeting. If you do this, flaking will be drastically reduced. Additionally, by having a good mindset and implementing a few other tips such as the judicious use of emojis and not over-investing before her, you will quickly set up more dates than you have time for.