I’m not a fan of Aziz Ansari.
His non-threatening, nice guy, milquetoast brand of comedy isn’t funny. His jokes are things involuntarily celibate men say in earnest.
But I’ll learn from anyone. And here’s one big take-away.
Control is an illusion
Men are responsible for leading a romantic interaction. While it’s not unusual for women to step forward and bait guys into an interaction, the ambiguity about who is leading the interaction creates bad results.
Aziz’s advances failed massively according to his own goal. He thought his celebrity clout could replace game. He was wrong.
Let’s assume Grace’s is telling the truth, and let’s use the article from Babe.net as the basis of a ‘field report.’ If Aziz simply wanted to get laid, how did he fumble so badly?
Why did the date climax in career-ruining hit journalism?
It started with Grace approaching Aziz at an Emmy after party.
Ansari brushed her off at first
In the beginning, she was opening him. That’s not necessarily a good thing. Grace, not Aziz, set the initial frame for the interaction.
Aziz doesn’t have the fun fuckboy attitude nor the washboard abs which appeal to the raw sexuality of women. He only has status and wealth to offer. Did he sense Grace was a social climber? Is this why he brushed her off?
Grace said it was surreal to be meeting up with Ansari, a successful comedian and major celebrity, and she was “excited” for their date.
At no point does the article mention whether or not Grace was attracted to Aziz. Instead, it was “surreal” and “exciting” that she had a date with a “major celebrity.”
Were her dreams coming true? Did Grace finally find a provider to treat her like the princess she thought she was? Or did Aziz notice that she ditched another guy to persistently flirt with him? Did he simply count on her for an easy lay?
What do you think?
Before meeting Ansari, Grace told friends and coworkers about the date and consulted her go-to group chat about what she should wear to fit the “cocktail chic” dress-code he gave her. She settled on “a tank-top dress and jeans.”
That was a red flag.
Grace ignored a simple instruction to wear something nice.
Aziz should have quietly cancelled the dinner reservation and taken her instead to a much cheaper and more casual place.
Backup plans are important. What if Grace didn’t like oysters? What if she was annoying and clearly not Aziz’s type. What if he wanted to bail 30 minutes into the date? These obviously weren’t questions he had considered.
He stuck to his plan, thus rewarding her noncompliance. It was an early example of his inflexibility and failure to calibrate. Aziz was already showing thirst and ineptitude.
“After arriving at his apartment in Manhattan on Monday evening…”
If a sexual frame is already clearly established, meeting at you place is the obvious choice.
If you’re going somewhere else almost immediately, briefly hanging out at your house isn’t the best idea. It reduces the tension, mystery, plausible deniability. She can’t innocently “come over and see your balcony” if she’s already been there.
…they exchanged small talk and drank wine. ‘It was white,’ she said. ‘I didn’t get to choose and I prefer red, but it was white wine.'”
Grace wasn’t complaining about the type of wine. It’s not about red versus white. She was noting her feeling of lack of choice, and his lack of concern for her opinions and feelings. He should have asked and considered her opinion. This could have helped build comfort instead of creating emotional defensiveness.
Then Ansari walked her to Grand Banks, an Oyster bar onboard a historic wooden schooner on the Hudson River just a few blocks away.
Going somewhere near his apartment was a good logistical choice.
But taking her to a nice restaurant for the first date is a terrible choice. As a nice guy, he’s already creating a covert contract in his head. He’s doing this nice thing now, and he expected something in return later.
But that’s not how shit works with women.
They discussed NYU, comedy and a new, secret project he was working on, but she says she did most of the talking.
He was trying to impress her with his “secret project.”
Her talking most could be a sign that she was investing. However, Aziz likely missed an opportunity to understand her better, specifically finding out how to most effectively seduce her.
Conversation on the first date only serves a few purposes. Making her feel comfortable while discovering, often indirectly, how she approaches sex, romance, and relationships is major one.
Instead, he’s talking about his work.
Light conversation can also be a backdrop to build sexual tension through a combination of teasing, innuendo, physicality, non-verbal cues, and direct interrogation.
Creating an intellectual connection is a distant third on the list of conversational priorities for a first date.
Grace says she sensed Ansari was eager for them to leave. “When the waiter came over he quickly asked for the check and he said like, ‘Let’s get off this boat.’…”
Bouncing quickly from the first location wasn’t a bad idea. Aziz probably sensed the flatline conversation was quickly heading in a permanently platonic direction. He had to do something.
They walked the two blocks back to his apartment building, an exclusive address on TriBeCa’s Franklin Street,… When they walked back in, she complimented his marble countertops.
Grace is trying to find a reason to be attracted to Aziz. Her provider radar kicked into high gear. She’s qualifying Aziz, but the emotional level of the conversation (“marble countertops”) is very low.
He said something along the lines of, ‘How about you hop up and take a seat?’” Within moments, he was kissing her. “In a second, his hand was on my breast.”
This was the precise moment that Aziz stopped acting like a homosexual and started expressing man-to-woman sexual interest in Grace. Nice guy Aziz was gone. It must have felt abrupt.
Then he was undressing her, then he undressed himself. She remembers feeling uncomfortable at how quickly things escalated.
From there, the frame changed. Aziz started a series of nearly uninterrupted attempts to sexually escalate.
Women’s arousal typically builds up slower. Foreplay, on some level, should begin at hello. From there it needs to be dialed up over time.
Trying to become physical a little too fast is better than not trying to at all. But interpersonal intelligence would have gone a long way in helping Aziz’s cause.
She says Ansari began making a move on her that he repeated during their encounter. ‘The move he kept doing was taking his two fingers in a V-shape and putting them in my mouth, in my throat to wet his fingers, because the moment he’d stick his fingers in my throat he’d go straight for my vagina and try to finger me.’ Grace called the move “the claw.”
Vigorously pursuing a goal is one thing. Obstinately clinging to a single means is another.
“But the main thing was that he wouldn’t let her move away from him. She compared the path they cut across his apartment to a football play. “It was 30 minutes of me getting up and moving and him following and sticking his fingers down my throat again. It was really repetitive. It felt like a fucking game.”
Because of his celebrity status, this ‘move’ is something that has probably worked for Aziz in the past. Thus, it’s all he knows. Instead of trying to escalate in a different way, he repeated the same action expecting a different result. Common sense says that if something isn’t working, try something else. Not every sexual encounter will occur the same way. Not every girl is aroused the same way.
Two steps forward, one step back. More immersive, less button-pushing.
At this point, many have asked why Grace didn’t leave if she felt uncomfortable.
Be real. Responsibility in a situation like this isn’t a common feminine virtue.
“Grace should have…” ignores men’s responsibility for leading the interaction.
Ansari wanted to have sex.
How’s that working out?
She said she remembers him asking again and again, “Where do you want me to fuck you?” while she was still seated on the countertop.
Is this is some advanced level ‘presume the sale’ persuasion technique?
Or, maybe it’s a line from a feminist pamphlet on creatively establishing ongoing enthusiastic verbal consent?
She says she found the question tough to answer because she says she didn’t want to fuck him at all.
Either way, it wasn’t working.
‘I wasn’t really even thinking of that, I didn’t want to be engaged in that with him. But he kept asking, so I said, ‘Next time.’ And he goes, ‘Oh, you mean second date?’ and I go, ‘Oh, yeah, sure,’ and he goes, ‘Well, if I poured you another glass of wine now, would it count as our second date?’’ He then poured her a glass and handed it to her.”
Most guys wait until marriage before negotiating for sex. Not Aziz.
Grace’s reluctance wasn’t due to logistics or physical issues. It was entirely emotional. Aziz’s attempts to logically and humorless convince her to have sex with him seemed extremely desperate. His validation seeking is the exact opposite of the dominant, self-assured frame that Chad or a fuckboy would apply.
She excused herself to the bathroom soon after.
Grace says she spent around five minutes in the bathroom, collecting herself in the mirror and splashing herself with water. Then she went back to Ansari. He asked her if she was okay. “I said I don’t want to feel forced because then I’ll hate you, and I’d rather not hate you,” she said.
She told him the problem right there. She didn’t want to feel forced. All he had to do was solve that.
“He said, ‘Oh, of course, it’s only fun if we’re both having fun.’ The response was technically very sweet and acknowledging the fact that I was very uncomfortable. Verbally, in that moment, he acknowledged that I needed to take it slow. Then he said, ‘Let’s just chill over here on the couch.’”
Good move, Aziz.
The “we won’t do anything you’re uncomfortable with”-line is effective as long as….
When she sat down on the floor next to Ansari… she thought he might rub her back, or play with her hair — something to calm her down.
Ya Aziz, do something that. Anything to make her feel good and comfortable.
Ansari instructed her to turn around. “He sat back and pointed to his penis and motioned for me to go down on him.”
… immediately ask for a blowjob.
If Aziz wasn’t a beta autist, he would have picked up that Grace needed more comfort, a slight brake on the physicality. Maybe 10 minutes would have been enough. Or maybe letting Grace sleep over and reinitiating in the morning would have been possible.
In a typical interaction, as long as a man is escalating in some way, time is on his side. There isn’t a rush. Sex will probably happen. If it doesn’t, oh well.
Aziz, on the other hand, tried to get what he could as soon as possible.
Beyond simple horniness, the rush to sex usually has two causes: egotism (“how fast can I smash, and what does that say about me as a man”) or a scarcity mindset (“I better smash before my window of opportunity closes”).
Grace didn’t want to fuck Aziz at that moment. A good response would be something between ‘no big deal’ and ‘your loss.’ If not then, another night. If not Grace, another girl.
At his douchey worst, Aziz should have kicked her out for being persistently boring and not readily giving him what he wanted.
“And I did. I think I just felt really pressured.”
Apparently he did get a lackluster blowjob for a few seconds.
Halfway into the encounter, he led her from the couch to a different part of his apartment. He said he had to show her something. Then he brought her to a large mirror, bent her over and asked her again, “Where do you want me to fuck you? Do you want me to fuck you right here?” He rammed his penis against her ass while he said it, pantomiming intercourse.
According to many feminist activists, this should have been a panty dropper.
A person-of-color, who’s both funny and a vocal support of feminism, repeatedly verbalized a request for consent. Is anyone shocked it didn’t work?
Arousal is built and maintained with a degree of tension and pressure. Mystery plays a key component. Frame is important. A man can be the overly dominant barbarian, but he can’t also break from the dominance script by incessantly seeking approval and validation.
Aziz’s advances continued until Grace finally left. She reportedly cried in an Uber on the way home. Her concluding remarks describe the evening with Aziz as:
“by far the worst experience with a man I’ve ever had.”
It’s going to be difficult for Aziz to professionally and personally recover from this.
What the fuck happened?
Aziz’s behavior was a perfect storm of feminized male social conditioning and celebrity entitlement. He flew under the radar by acting like a sensitive ‘ally.’ During the first half of their date, he hid his dick. Meanwhile, he missed the fundamentals: displaying attractive qualities, push and pull, receptivity to non-verbal cues, communicating intent, and having calm confidence in leading the interaction.
Aziz’s biggest sin, however, was making Grace feel like she had no choice or agency during the encounter. Women love dominant men who can comfortably move the relationship forward. They hate the feeling of being dragged around by a domineering guy. Seduction is like a dance. The man leads, but he also calibrates according the skill, experience, comfort, and momentary emotional state of the woman.
Pay close attention to this
Publicly, Aziz Ansari is a caricature of a white knight. Most of the celebrity men being accused sexual misconduct have similarly soft public demeanors. This isn’t a coincidence.
Grace said she came forward because Aziz wore a feminist virtue-signaling button to the Golden Globe Awards (you can’t make this shit up).
Aziz’s ongoing public support for pop feminism (i.e., his attempts to make himself appear like a non-threatening nice guy) doesn’t win affection from the women he’s socially supplicating to. It only makes his life worse.
In short, Aziz Ansari ain’t a fuckboy
Aziz isn’t an attractive man. He’s not Chad either. He’s not even fucking “authentic.”
Aziz is the creepy beta nice guy. And creepy beta nice guys don’t get laid.
A guy who gets laid shows intent. When he’s attracted to a girl, she knows it. He’s usually unapologetic and doesn’t ask too many stupid questions. His confidence comes with competence. He may pursue, but he doesn’t chase. And he is mindful of her emotional state throughout the interaction. Above all, he offers to lead, not to control.
Some missteps, awkwardness, and moments of discomfort are bound to occur. A man has to test things to see what works and what doesn’t. But even a fuckboy learns quickly.
Good game isn’t an expensive platonic dinner then plowing through non-stop objections. It’s not a one-size-fits-all sequence (“step 3: the claw”). It’s not convincing her to do something she doesn’t want to do.
Good game is making the lead up to sex feel easy and natural.
Some people say guys who learn game are creepy.
In reality, what’s creepy are the guys who don’t.