The Science Of Why Nice Guys Fail With Women

In upcoming posts, I will talk about the archetypes of men who most easily slay. But before I introduce that happy bunch, it’s worth exploring the main stereotypical guy trying unsuccessfully to get laid.

He’s Mr. Agreeable, the nice guy.

What makes the nice guy a notable archetype is both his ubiquity and his paradoxical character.

From the outside looking in, he “should be” successful.

By some standards he is. Hard worker, stable job, seemingly loyal and sincere, friendly and positive attitude, reasonably good looks, fairly clean, decent things, friends, maybe some hobbies, sporting activities, or a dog. He might even be a feminist.

But he doesn’t have the romantic options he desires.

On paper, he seems like a good catch – a type of guy that almost any woman would find desirable. In reality, this is scarcely the case.

Before I go further, I’m not saying that nice guys never get laid or have no success with women. That’s not true at all. However, I’ve never met a nice guy who was satisfied with nor had an enviable romantic life. Typically, nice guys do eventually find girlfriends or wives. But their relationships are usually mediocre at best; neither partner being happy with the other. Often with nice guys, the woman initiates and dictates the pace of the relationship – a gourmet recipe for disaster.

But why?

What makes a nice guy unfuckably nice, and why do they end up with undesirable outcomes?

Being a nice guy boils down a having a small cluster of related behavioral patterns. In psychology, this personality dimension is broadly described as agreeableness.

Agreeableness includes compassion, politeness, patience, approval-seeking, and conflict-avoidance.

Perhaps you are saying,

“Aren’t these all good things? What’s wrong with avoiding conflict? Don’t women like compassionate men?”

On a certain level, that is true. But there are other truths as well.

Certainly, having a bit of compassion or politeness is a good thing. However, they are feminine traits. In some respects, this is self-evident. A man doesn’t seem more manly by becoming more compassionate.

We can also see how popular language treats other traits of agreeableness.

A man who is conflict avoidant is a pushover or pussy, whereas a woman with the same trait is graceful or dutiful. Along the same lines, embracing conflict is alternatively described as being assertive or bitchy.

Being compassionate, polite, and avoiding conflict doesn’t make a guy bad. It just makes him seem less manly. And despite what feminists think, the majority of women are, on a certain level, attracted to masculine men.

Why is disagreeableness seen as more masculine?

Traits like assertiveness, blunt communication, emotional restraint, boldness, and an appreciation of mastery are more advantageous in competitive or conflict-oriented fields. Activities such as hunting, warfare, security, and competitive commerce, which men have all historically dominated, required these characteristics to participate. A hunter who was too timid or concerned with animal welfare would bring home less food, and would therefore receive less esteem. The risk adverse were cowards who required protection from more courageous men. The businessman who was too concerned with decorum or ethics might miss out on important opportunities, thus being put under by industry rivals.

Modernity has tempered most aspects of day-to-day struggle. Civilization itself demands greater expressions of character traits related to cooperation. But life still contains many competitive fields. Indeed, as if from genetic memory, boys are still drawn to competitive games. Men and women alike still subconsciously admire masculine men. We naturally rally around winners. Thus, people – especially men – who display winning characteristics easily receive respect, social value, and attention.

Disagreeableness, the willingness to offend, to lean into discomfort, to take risks, to be assertive, having some self-centeredness, and the calculated development of social capital are also virtues in they’re own right. They ensure material success.

What’s that have to do with sex and dating?

Women, on a primary biologically-driven unconscious level, have a two aims when it comes to finding a mate.

First, they want the best winner genes for their potential child. They want to find a man who is healthy, strong, courageous, skillful, resourceful, and most important, socially respected. If her children also receive these traits, there is a greater chance they will successfully reproduce. Thence, the woman’s biological mission will have been carried out in an ideal manner.

Secondly, she needs to create an environment ideal for her children. At minimum, she’ll want protection and provisioning. The best genetics in the world will be worthless if her children are killed by other men, or if they starve to death due to either lack of resource. On a practical level, she will desire to secure a mate or create a social environment to ensure her children are materially successful. Thus, she will prioritize traits like financial success, loyalty, compassion, and she will try to pair-bond up the social ladder.

So we have these two biological imperatives – securing top quality genes, and provisioning for children. But, these two desires don’t necessarily have to be fulfilled by the same man. Women, on some level, typically sort potential mates in lover and provider categories.

Because of the obvious sexual market place dynamics involved, many women will gladly share a stud while trying to lock down a provider into a committed relationship. Simply put, women will demand far less from a masculine or winner sort of man. They will easily fuck the right sort of guy, especially if he is competent at making that happen.

Here is the big “irony.” An “asshole” might refuse to commit to or settle down with a single woman. Instead, he’ll date multiple girls at once. His abundance (his experience, available choices, and ongoing pre-selection) and lack of availability make him seem far more desirable as a lover. Him being an asshole is what made him into the lover that gets girls easily.

So it’s not an irony really. He’s treated like the lover because that’s how he acts. He expresses no interest nor offers value as a provider.

For nice guys who are tying to get laid, the desire to get instant approval makes them hopelessly inept at number of fundamental pimp qualities: expressing intent in a subtle but understood manner; leading an interaction; escalating physically toward intimacy; and, within a relationship, articulating or creating precedents for desires and boundaries.

At best, nice guy personality characteristics like compassion and approval-seeking place guys into a provider category. As women become older and find it harder to attract the stud, she’ll begin to think more seriously about settling down with a nice guy. In fact, it suits the women’s second imperative to encourage a large pool of provider men to be patient, caring, polite, and unassertive.

So, nice guys sometimes “succeed” at becoming a boyfriend or husband to a woman who demands a lot yet offers a little.

What about the guys who get laid without commitment?

It’s not that these guys aren’t “nice,” but they are much more assertive, often even dominant. They are more comfortable leading the woman, and they are more willing to take risks and even offend. They’re socially quick on their feet. On a practical level, they effectively use non-verbal communication, and they often convey clear sexual undertones. They physically escalate quicker. Their confidence signals competence. All of this is very masculine – signaling that this guy is more of a lover than a provider. Thus, she’s more likely to be interested in a fling, tryst, or one night stand. She will offer more sexually while demanding less commitment.

But back to nice guys.

There are two other notable reasons why nice guys have shitty romantic lives.

Nice guys are often – for lack of a better description – dramatic little bitches. Often, although they avoid direct conflict, they will resort to indirect or secretive hostility in the form of passive aggressive behavior or backbiting. Again, these sorts are behaviors are counter to the alpha male characteristics which women find sexually appealing.

Finally, “nice guy” behavior includes a number of covert contracts. Instead of deliberately communicating what they want, they perform “nice” acts in hopes that the girl magically understands and reciprocates as he desires – as if she’s a mind reader. Essentially, they’re trying to buy attention, affection, or arousal with under-the-table installment payments of favors.

It doesn’t work like that.

Nice guys typically become resentful after repeated attempts. They complain that, “I do so much for her, but she still acts like this?!” And it only spirals downward from there.

THAT is why nice guys fail with women.

In summary:

  • To be nice is to have high levels of personality traits associated with agreeableness. Nice guys are passive and shy away from expressing conflicting ideas, but are also considerate of others and compassionate. They avoid direct communication, and are accustomed to letting others take the lead.
  • While nice guys are sometimes selected by women as providers, they are rarely afforded options and high value in the sexual market place. Nice guys occasionally settle down, but they rarely have the sort of sexual success, adventures, or even satisfaction they desire.
  • Women, despite saying or thinking they want a guy who is caring, sensitive and, compassionate, are instinctively aroused by the masculine and dominant characteristics which nice guys typically lack.
  • In the context of relationships, nice guides exhibit arousal demolishing behaviors. Even though they’re bound by a committed relationship, they feel lucky to receive affection or passion from their partner. These guys try to pour on more niceness only to succumb to more dissatisfaction and more frustration.

There is hope for nice guys.

Most nice guys go the familiar route. They try to become even nicer. Obviously, this isn’t the solution. That’s just doubling down on a behavioral response which isn’t effective.

If this is you, STOP IT NOW. There is a better way.

It takes time and effort to change your personality. YOU MUST GO ALL IN.

Most people don’t know where to start.

That’s why I created a free 8 week masculine assertiveness training challenge. Follow the link to learn more.

 

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