Here’s a slightly simplified sequence for kissing a girl, from hello to make out.
1) Demonstrate intent early on. She needs to know, on some level, that you like her. You can do this primarily through non-verbal cues including eye contact and vocal tonality.
2) Get her comfortable with you touching her. Start with ‘social touch’ that wouldn’t be to out of place if you did it with a friend (i.e., on the arm). In order for her to be comfortable with you touching her, you have to be comfortable touching her. I can’t emphasize this enough. If you are tensing up when you touch her, she’s going to feel that stress. Also, don’t look at the place you are touching or else it won’t seem natural.
3) At some point, try to hold her hand. If she resists at all or gives strong signs of discomfort, back off and act like nothing happened. Don’t worry about it. The point isn’t to hold her hand. It’s to demonstrate further intent and to slowly make her comfortable with physicality. (If you’re shy, the easiest way to hold her hand when you’re walking. Before you cross the street, just grab her hand. Its a normal thing that almost all people learn to do as children) If she resists, try again later. Again, you’re goal is to slowly make her more comfortable with increased levels of physicality.
3a) Another way to increase physicality at this point: while you are sitting next to her, put your arm on the back of her chair. Then, very very lightly and slowly stroke her back with your fingers and thumb. If she doesn’t react, she probably likes it.
4) You can prime her to be kissed in several ways. If you’re holding her hand, kiss it. Similarly, you can kiss her shoulder, cheek, or forehead. Again, if she pulls away or turns away a bit, just smile. It’s no big deal. Whatever you do, don’t move closer to her or ‘chase after’ affection when she pulls away.
If she’s really freaked out, she will literally walk away from you. (If she does that, do not follow her).
5) Before you kiss her, speak slower and with a deeper voice. Have good eye contact and occasionally glance at her lips. If she’s doing the same, it’s a good sign.
6) Check if she’s ready to be kissed. Move in closer like you’re going to kiss her. Instead of kissing her, whisper something in her ear. How did she respond? Did she draw back? If so, she’s not ready to kiss you. Did she stay still or move in? If so, she probably wants to be kissed. If she doesn’t back away, you can kiss her ear or neck, which will usually turn her on.
7) Personally, I like to let the girl wait and anticipate the kiss for a minute.
Things that come easily or immediately are less valued.
I typically move in close. By this point, it’s obvious I could kiss her, and she can sense the kiss is coming. But I don’t do it right away. I’ll just stay close, maybe say something, and let the tension build for a moment. Then the kiss is effortless (and in fact, it would be more awkward to not kiss her). But…..
8) Some girls will reject your kiss dozens of times by turning their head away. Don’t be reactive, desperate, or pushy about it. Just smile and laugh. As a man, it’s your job to try to kiss her. As a woman, her job is to appear not easy. If she’s not pushing you away, nonverbally expressing fear, or getting up and moving away from you, she’s probably into it.
9) Don’t get too hung up on the kiss. For some cultures, kissing is less common or has greater significance. If she seems especially adverse to kissing, escalate in different ways. In Asia, I’ve had sex with girls who wouldn’t kiss me, so it’s not a universally necessary step in the escalation ladder.
This escalation model works really well with shy, conservative, and inexperienced girls. While it never results in instant make outs, usually further escalation after the kiss happens quickly. Ask yourself, would you rather kiss her in the first five minutes and get all sorts of resistance before sex, or would you rather take two hours to kiss her and get next to no resistance after that.
The real keys to this model are a) showing intent, b) not being pushy or aggressive, c) being fairly comfortable yourself, d) slowly dialing up the escalation. If done right, it establishes a dominant frame without coming across as chasing her.
Does that sound awesome?
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